Half-Hearted

My fingers are on the keyboard and my mind is racing. What is it that I want to say today?  I have so many thoughts that I am dying to get out of my head and onto the paper.  Some thoughts that I want to share and some that I just want to release me from their power.  Isn’t it a funny thing to think about all of the thoughts that paralyze us that aren’t even true?  I’m not good enough.  I can’t do that.  I don’t fit in with that group of people.  Even as I type I feel thoughts creeping in and trying to stop me from writing.  Don’t say that.  Don’t tell people that.  Oh, never admit that.  You might upset someone if you say that.

For as long as I can remember the only dream that I’ve ever had is to write.  Lately, it’s pressing on me harder and harder that it will become the biggest regret of my life if I don’t do something about it now.  I have so many half-written blog posts and stories that I haven’t finished.  Why?  It’s a question that I ask myself all the time.  Part of the reason is that when I write, it brings up emotions that I have bottled up and it hurts.  A big part of me doesn’t want to let go of the pain. It’s easier to not write and not feel.  Well, I take that back.  I still feel but it’s just that I feel numb instead of feeling pain or sadness.    It doesn’t matter what I start writing the pain or what I’m avoiding creeps into the story.  I thought I’d write a cute story about Poncho the Chihuahua one day and I ended up writing about the day my dad died from the perspective of the dog.  It was about that time that I really stopped writing.  I have sat down to write on and off a few times since then, but it always ends with me in tears, so I stop and then I avoid it for a while again. 

Why am I sharing this with you?  Well, because I am tired of my half-hearted attempts at writing.  I’m tired of paying for a blog just so that I know that it’s there for whenever I’m ready to write.  Someday I will work on it and make it great.  Someday I will gain more followers.  Someday I will make a new post. Someday I will finish updating it from when I moved it to Squarespace.  What I’m saying to you now is that I’m officially making this the number one priority in my life.  Well after God.  God is my number one priority and He put writing into my life as my calling many years ago. 

Here's the thing.  God has told me what to write about.  God was also the reason that I started my blog in the first place.  However, every time He tells me what to write, I’ve said, no I don’t really want to talk about that God.  It’s too personal.  No one will understand that.  It won’t help anyone else.  It will just sound like I’m feeling sorry for myself.  Why would I think that my story is so unique that it won’t help anyone else? 

Well folks, I’ve got a lot to say, and this post is only the beginning.  So, stay tuned as I post more about my life’s journey and several things that I’ve really struggled with over the years.  Thanks for reading my blog.  God bless you!